GIRL'S GUIDE TO COFFEE
ALEX is a "bansta extraordinaue. " This is her own personal Seven Ages of Man speech.
['10 audience. ]
A trap: The Seven Ages of Remote Control Man. At first the infant-it doesn't matter what
they put in front of you-purple dinosaurs, talking animals, puffy clouds--as long as it moves,
blinks and makes noise, it's good television. And you have NO control over the remote. Then the
school kid-it's the battle between your little superego and your little id: PBS numbers and letters
vs. Cartoon Network hammer hits and booger jokes. And your parents tend to have the remote.
Then as you slide into puberty, you grab the control and it's reality shows, music videos, clothes,
sex, music, sex, skin care, sex, slang, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex ... and then POp, you're out into the
working world and it's News and Wall Street Channels at the office by day, and by night it's sit-
coms and crime dramas where you learn life lessons in twenty-two or forty-four minutes. Unless
it's American Idol, where you learn your life lesson by having a bunch of fans who can text. And
then some Comedy Central, late-night TV to bed. But you put on a few years, you find yourself
drawn into your niche, your rut, your "lifestyle," your ESPN, your HGTV, C-SPAN, History
Channel, Cooking Channel, until suddenly you're old. And you find yourself watching the Weath-
er Channel-actually watching the 'Weather Channel as your default, or just having it on in the
background because it's ... comforting ... to know there's weather happening ... somewhere ...
And then the last stage of all, that ends this viewing history, is second childhood, where you'll
stare at pretty much anything as long as it moves, blinks, and makes noise. And once again some-
one else has control of the remote. Don't let this happen to you.