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BITE ME
Nina Mansfield
Comic
ELLEN, mid-aos to mid-gos
ELLEN has managed to subdue a vampire with pepper spray (who knew you could do that?) and has brought him
home in a cage. Her husband has told her he wants them to spend all eternity together. Here's his chance.
ELLEN So there he is, stunned from the spray. Writhing on the ground like a baby. When WHAM! Got him in the balls.
BAM, I hit him with my handbag, and ZANG, got him again with the pepper spray. At that point it was like pure
adrenaline! I was on fire! Once I had him subdued I realized the emblem on my Tory Burch handbag is totally cross-
like, so I held it up to his face, and sure enough he was like, Ahh, and I was like, "Take that, you creature of the dark,"
and he was like, Ahhh, and I was like, "That's what you get for attacking women in alleys," and he's like, Please, I can't
help it! It'sjust my nature, and I'm like, "I don't care if it's just your nature, you woman hater," and he's like, Please, I
don't hate women, Ijust want to suck your blood, and I'm like "Eew," and he's like, You get used to it, and I'm like
"Really?" and he's like, Really, and then he started to lunge for me again, 'cause I'd sort of forgotten to hold up my
handbag, but I was like really caffeinated, so my reflexes were on point, so I was like, "Take this!" and he was like,
Ahhh. And then I had this idea. I thought, why not take lemons and turn them into lemonade? I was like, "You scum-
bag vampire," and he was like, I'm really not a scumbag, and I was like, "Oh yeah?" and he was like, Yeah, and so I
sprayed him with more pepper spray, and made him drape my handbag over his shoulder, which made him lose like
all his powers, and then I loaded him into the back of the Escalade and voila!