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JIHAD JONES AND THE KALASHNIKOV BABES
Yussef EI Guindi
Comic
Cassandra, twenties to thirties
Cassandra is an actress in a movie which is nothing but
a mass of anti-Muslim cliches. She doesn't care and she's
miffed that her co-star, Ashraf is. He has principles-she
doesn't.
CASSANDRA: So you're miffed you're not playing a boffo character with a great personality and charm to spare.
Well, boo-hoo. My pussy weeps for you. Excuse me while I break out the tissues for another struggling actor
asked to play shit and make it real. What the hell kind of business do you think this is? An academy for the
study of human behavior? This is the land of gummy bears and popcorn; and making out in the back row and
leaving a mess for the ushers to clean up. It ain't deep; it's not real, and if you're lucky you get paid a whole lot.
Shove it. I don't want to hear it. Save it for after I leave. Do you think I got to where I am today because I was
picky? I'm a woman. Do you know what I get offered as a woman? In a business that prizes eye-candy before
everything else? Boobs and ass before character and content? Honey: the pickings are slim. I get my choice
of whores, skanks, saints or virgins. And that's when I'm not being offered whores, skanks, saints or virgins. Or
bitches. Or warrior princesses with penis envy. Or any combination of the above. The trough is full of swill, hon,
and always has been, and if you're lucky you find one or two great nuggets in your career and that's what you live
orf while you forage through more trash. Stereotypes, pi »isc. You don't know anything about stereotypes till
you've walked in my hooker boots for six weeks on a Il\\lVIe sd. ('el. over it. I know my part isn't great. But I'm going
to give it everything I have and make those pimply kids in back row stop tonguing for two minutes and give
me their full sex-crazed attention because goddamn it 1 deserve it. And if you've got any balls, you'll take this
part and do the same. Jesus. You're an actor. Act like one you little piss-ant. You all think on that while I go make
some calls. And when I get back, if you're not finished agonizing over whatever it is you've got your boxers in
a twist about, then-I'm gone.